Four weeks since surgery.

Tomorrow will mark the fourth week since surgery. I have been really struggeling during these last couple of weeks. I have been depressed, gained a couple of pounds, having a really hard time sleeping which because of this Ive had a constant twitch in my left eye for 8 days now! I have little to no energy and have been stuggeling in both school and work.

This semester is almost over... haleluja!!! It has been an additive stressor. I just want to feel good about myself again and stop feeling bad for myself. I have been trying to eat right and have been taking vitamins to help with energy and hoping that eating right will at least help with me feeling a little better.

I think the hardest part for me is watching everyone else move on from what happened (especially Jake) and feeling left behind. Trust me, I want to move on too, but something keeps pulling me back. Its like Im running in place, constantly trying to move but for some reason I only stay in that same place. I guess thats the depression taking toll. Its not severe, however, its not a walk in the park either. It feels like a darkness that I cant describe, like a cloud hanging over my head. I find myself beating myself up for other reasons not having to do with the baby, like my weight, doing poorly in school, even giving myself a hard time not making dinner or letting the landrey pile up. This is not like me. I guess the important thing is that I recognize this and Im trying to overcome it. It would be worse if I didnt realize the effects of it in my everyday learning, not trying to get better.

I know that this is just a moment in time and that I will learn something valuable from this experience. I know that all will be well and I will overcome this with being a stronger woman in the end. All I ask, is for God to be with me, take me by the hand and show me the way... may God be with us all.

yay!!! I ovulated again!

One week later

Its been a full week since the surgery. I now have strep and am stuck in bed again. I went to the doctor and was given a penicillin shot to stop the virus. I feel better than I did yesterday, but I still feel awful. I also had an allergic reaction to the throat numbing sucker that I was given. Such a bummer.

I can feel my hormones trying to rebalance themselves out. My basal body temperature has been all over which was expected. (but actually not too bad if you take away the fever day) I have my appettite back, the swelling and water weight I gained after the surgery has finally went down, my breasts are back to normal and I dont need as much sleep anymore. My energy levels are still weak but that could be attributed to the strep... ha..ha... what are the chances? Boy, its been a hard couple if weeks!

With work we had a big event that I couldnt miss, my dad who is also my boss calls me his Ace in the hole.... I made 65 arrangments with little to no help with a fever of 101.6 degrees. My co-worker got me ice chips which I am convinced was the only thing that got me through the day!  Right when the event was finished I went straight to the instacare (with the help of my darling husband) where my strep was confirmed and where I received a penicillin shot. (those are incredible by the way) I now can relax in bed until the virus passes through my body.


Here is a snap shot of my cycle so far....

Dear baby....

I can't stop thinking about you. I miss feeling you in my tummy, I miss feeling you with me where ever I go, I miss knowing that you are safe in my tummy, protecting you and loving you with all my heart. I have been filled with a darkening sadness since I lost you. My heart aches to feel for you again. I feel so alone since you were torn from me.... I am so sorry that I lost you, my precious baby.... I know however, that I have not conpletely lost you, you will always be my baby and you will come to me when the timing is right. Once Ive physically healed your daddy and I will fight for you and try again, and with God's mercy you will come to us again. I love you my Angel, I always will for all eternity. Right now my heart hurts, but I know that there will come a day when you are born and my heart will rejoice in a way that seems uncomprehendable. You will bring your mommy and daddy so much happiness when you come home to us. For we are your home. We love you, we pray for you, and I know that one day I will hold you in my arms, being the proudest mommy that a mommy could ever be. My dear precious little one, you will always be in my heart....

Last heart beat, February 26th 2013

My baby, you will always be with us....

8 w 6 ds

We found out two days ago that our precious little one passed away at 7 w 4 days. Our hearts are completely filled with sorrow. The D&C will take place tomorrow at 1030.

Dear baby, mommy and daddy love you so very much. Our hearts are broken that we will not be able to hold you in our arms this october. But this is not the end, you will still come to us on the Lord's timing.... you will still be our child for us to love, to hold, to charish, to raise to be the best person you can possibley be and to one day have a family of your own. You may not be ours physically, yet, you will always be ours spiritually. Always, our baby, until we meet again...

A solution....

This is the solution that I discovered for work when the warehouse workers are using toxic fumes! It totally works! LOL!

Week 7 Day 5

My mom just text me to let me know that we will be starting up again at the gym starting Monday! Yay! That makes me happy! I missed going to the gym. I feel like in the middle of the night when I need to roll over, it is much harder to get myself to move. I have noticed that I have been stuck in one position longer than usual without moving which has been causing muscle soreness. I can imagine that it will only get worse as I get further along. Lovely. : )
Symptoms: Weak, tired. Hard to focus and think clearly, attention span very short. Have to pee a lot! Diarrhea.
No more nausea, just feel icky if I wait too long to eat. My breasts are almost to their regular selves, except slightly bigger (on and off soreness, but not very often anymore.)
Weight: 258

P.S. Only 6 more days until my next Ultrasound! Wahooo!!! I pray that they baby is healthy and we get to hear the heart beat!

P.P.S. Thank you to my sister for letting me use her Doppler.  I can't wait until the baby is big enough when I can listen to its heart beat every night before I go to bed! haha!

Week 7 Day 3

I have been more weak lately... I am pretty sure that I had a yeast over growth in my tummy from the antibiotics my OB put me on for the UTI I had a couple of weeks ago. i have been taking my probiotics twice a day which is helping my tummy not be so bloated, but its not getting the weakness to go away fast enough!!! I feel awful! I've had Candida before and I really don't want to experience that awful disease ever again! I don't know what else to take that will help  with killing yeast without killing my baby and getting rid of the sluggishness! I hope it goes away soon! I already am weak and exhausted from pregnancy let alone the additive weakness and achyness and sensitiveness from the yeast! I feel horrible!!!! Also, yeast causes bloating so I have it twice as bad from that and normal pregnancy bloating which caused new stretch marks! Grrr! I couldn't catch them fast enough.... well, here we go.... once they start, they don't stop! I've been putting cream on them twice a day, if anything, it will help them turn from purple to white sooner once the baby is born, keeping them hydrated that is... Anyway, hoping i can overcome this soon! This is worse than when I was nauseous! Well, count my blessings.... at least I am not nauseous on top of this! Haha!

7 Weeks 3 Days

The bloat went down a bit, apparently I had some yeast build up in my tummy that I think is pretty much gone down now. Look at the difference between week 6 and week 7. WOW!

6 weeks 3 days

I pretty much tripled in size this week! its mostly bloat.... yikes!!!

6 Weeks 0 Days:

I cant believe that I still have 17 days until my next ultrasound!!! Especially since I only saw the gestational sac, I'm extra anxious to make sure that there really is a baby in the oven! I'm thinking that on Tuesday after presidents day, I'll call in to see if there were any cancellations for the week prior to knock off a couple of days.... My doctor usually likes to see her patients between their seventh and eight week, I however couldn't get in until my ninth week! So a cancellation would be great!

5 Weeks 7 Days:

I'm worried about these killer cramps!!!! No bleeding though, I find myself rushing to the bathroom just to make sure.

Today at work the warehouse guys were using a really strong lacquer for some merchandise. the fumes were so strong I was worried that it would hurt my baby. I received special permission to leave work. Thank heavens! The smell and fumes were making me sick!

Kellie Lambert's Response: I cannot wait to hear about your next ultrasound!!

As for the fumes... I worked with the same chemicals while prego with Brenlie. I wore a mask most of the day. The first tri is the most critical. Be careful!! It sucked but was well worth it. Just stay away from the screening glue. It's the worse.

My response to Kellie's: That's what it was, but a new kind that is way worse than the kind they used before.  on the can it says WARNING: Toxic Fumes. Duh!!!! No way am I going to stick around. If I could just stay in the showroom every day all day long I would be fine, but Friday they had all the doors to the showroom open and when I got back from running errands it was everywhere! No Thanks! I went home!

Missed Dates

January 19th: Ovulation
January 21th: First day my breasts started to hurt, only 2 days after ovulation!
January 23rd: Exhaustion kicked in!
January 25th: Implantation! Slight spotting. Only 7 days after ovulation!
January 28th: First Positive test, only 10 days after ovulation! This day Jake and I told mom. We went to her doctor's appointment where she was getting a piece of skin removed on her hip. We gave her a baby pearl ring to keep around a chain on her neck... Priceless! : )
January 30th: Second Positive test in the middle of the day! Whoot Whoot! This day I spent with my mom and sister! It was so fun getting advice from my sister. Best girls day EVER! : )
February 3rd: Third Positive test. This day we told Jake's parents. We wrapped Craig up a toddler shirt for his birthday that said "Hero in Training". This day I felt terribly ill!
February 4th: Told dad the great news! He cried. : )
February 5th: Went in for my official pregnancy test and blood draw at the Wasatch OBGYN. Fourth Positive!!!!
February 11th: First appointment with Amy. First ultrasound, only saw the gestational sac...it was too early to see anything.

5 Weeks 5 days

Symptoms: EXTREME exhaustion, sore breasts; tingling and stinging., Slight Nausea; not too bad. Sharp and dull cramps, Bloating.

I had to tie a hair tie around the button of my pants to allow an inch slack. My pants are starting to feel tight and the extra pressure of my jeans are getting uncomfortable; it was the perfect solution.

Current Weight: 259! Yay! lost 2 pounds! : )

5 Weeks 4 Days

My mother and I usually go to the gym together theree days a week. It has been so good because feeling so sick, I otherwise would not go by myself! She comes to pick me up at 5:20AM, we usually stay until about 7:00 AM. I then get to work around 8:30. It has been PERFECT to help me keep my weight down, after all -- Only 10 pounds to gain, only 2 or 3 by week 20.

Last night she called me to tell me that her doctor forbid her going to the gym or other highly populated places because her immune system is so bad and it keeps causing her problems!!! Blah!! Super disappointing!!! Lets get realistic, there is no way with this nausea and extreme exhaustion that I will get my butt out of bed and go by myself! My husband volunteered to move the elliptical out of the storage room and set it up in the movie room with my yoga ball and other extremities! he is so sweet!!! This morning  so far so good. I may not have the energy to drive myself to the gym, but I can at least march right downstairs and crawl onto the elliptical! LOL! In April, back to the gym with my mom when her lungs have time to heal. : )

5 Weeks 2 Days

I had my first appointment today. Everything looks fine. I am already overweight so the doctor said that i can only gain 10 pounds total! Jake was a 10 pound baby and I was a 9 pound baby, so I'm not quite sure how i am going to manage that. I've been working out 3 days a week and have been trying to eat very healthy for my little one. (only a few slip ups, but with caution). The ultrasound room was available so just for fun we decided to try and see the baby, it was too soon, we only say the gestational sac. They also found a cyst on my right ovary the size of a pin pong ball! Youch! my sister said that its normal and that she had one too... I just want my little on to be healthy and strong  GOAL: to loose 5 pounds before my next appointment. March 5th, I will be 8 weeks and 4 days by then. Weight 2/11: 261

First Belly picture

5 weeks 3 days